ode to the letter.

February 17, 2008

Dear Ivan,

Writing this letter to you doesn’t qualify for any obligations (word of the season.haha) or reciprocation. I write this letter to you because I believe I owe it to myself. I am glad we talked yesterday, somehow I did not expect that but I guess that was what we really needed. I realized that our biggest problem was COMMUNICATION. We weren’t able to totally express ourselves well in the last few months. Factors includes the communication medium and our personal suppression of issues to refrain from hurting the other. Due to the lack of formal communication: assumptions, personal questions left unanswered, issues lead to misinterpretation which lead to more complicating issues.

There are a lot of things we refrain from talking about. But somehow I would like to take this advantage to sort some things out. Having our talk last time, I think has opened some better communication lines between us.

I still don’t know what you feel about me. Somehow, I wasn’t able to ask you clearly. Partly I didn’t is because you yourself said you were not sure. Well, I leave that query for you to answer.

When you asked me about trying to work things out this second time because we started out at the wrong foot, I answered immediately by saying no. Distance as you said was your biggest concern. Mine was would such ‘another trial’ be sustainable. You know for a fact that I love you. Saying this doesn’t require you anything. I just wanted to finally confirm it out. But somehow love is not enough. There are a lot of things to consider about you, about me, and the coming ‘us’. I am willing to ‘try again’. Have a new start or whatever you call it. But I asked myself, would such decision be something that we can handle. You have your priorities – priorities that I cannot see myself in. And with the distance and the fast-paced-life we have, could we keep up with the demands between us? On one side, deciding not to move forward would maybe make our lives easier and less complicated but on the other what if this is the only chance we have. I quote what you said the last time: “Everything just seems so complicated” (what a pessimistic attitude no?haha). Or are we the ones making everything complicated? Maybe everything sums to that it is not the right time for ‘us’. I don’t know. I don’t know where I am heading with this. On side note, I think I need your help on these matters.

Our talk last time was a spontaneous one; we had to take in a lot of things at one single bang. I know we parted ways that time in a good and partly settled way. But then I realized that the talk was not sufficient. I don’t have any idea of what the coming days would offer. Total change does not happen overnight. I hope we can have another talk. No pressures on when or how. I believe that our last conversation has opened doors for better communication and I hope this continues.


With great wishes.


Sincerely yours,

Helena