Being Homeless

How do you define homeless? Does being homeless mean not having a physical structure of residence. For me, Home is not just a place of residence or refuge; it is place where you can find family.

I woke up early today for work. I was trying to wake up Eclipson to ask for a bath towel because my bath towel was in the laundry. The storage for them was locked and Tita Lyn was still sleeping. I was about to take a shower but the shower is occupied. I was trying to take nap while waiting for the bathroom to be vacant. As I was taking a shower, Tita Lyn was knocking calling out Rolence, her son. Then I shouted and said: "Tita, si Maria po ito."She wanted to use a bathroom for a second. And so I rushed up to wear my clothes though unfinished with my shower. Then, after she was done, I returned and rinsed up.

Before I left, Eclipson was outside the door. He gave me a look that I won't forget. It was a look that is like saying that have some shame. I asked him if he was mad and he said he is mildly mad.

As I was driving on the way to the hardware store for work, I was pondering on what did I do today or the past few days that made him mad at me. I tried to message him before I clocked in for work but no luck.

I started work at 7:30 AM. It is not the best time I want to start working but I have to. We had to move some stuff from the storage to the outside of the store. I had to put some displays. Also, I met a another Filipino, Ben, at work, he sort of interviewed me about my life. He asked me what I did before this job, my background in the Philippines. After getting a glimpse of my life and background, he said I don't deserve to work there. He told me that there is a job opening at Wachovia Bank in Rockville. I was glad that he shared that. The last time I applied for Wachovia Bank at another location, I did not get accepted.

I got assigned to an aisle, bathroom aisle 29. I did some rearrangments and repricing. I was glad when I was able to answer a customer's inquiry especially when the product that she wanted was from my aisle.

My job is really tiring standing around looking for something to do. Whenever I stop and think why I decided to move out from my old job, I always remind myself that is this for the best. I have to start somewhere in order to have better opportunities. I am already close to the area wehre I want to work. Why do I need to step back?

During lunch break, I tried calling the recruiter for the Corporate Payroll Services. It did not respond so I moved on and call the Filipina working at the Wachovia Bank in Rockville that Ben referred. Her name was Carla. She was very accomodating and asked about my background. She said she will contact me tomorrow or on Friday if my application can still be considered because I already applied for a different branch of the bank.

After I ate lunch, I called Eclipson to straighten things out regarding the earlier scenario. He told me things that really made me cry. His family has been having complaints about my stay in their house. First, I take too long in the shower. While, most of the boys rush up when taking a shower, he said that I tend to make the water flow even though I am not using it. I admit that there are number of times that I do that. Second, I don't help out much or I don't show that much concern for the house. I wash the dishes when I can, I change the garbage when I can. I do what I can in the kitchen. I admit that it has been a while since I swept the floor. I haven't cleaned the bathroom. I am guilty of not helping out too much because I don't know how to help. The first few weeks and days that I was there, I offered but they said it was ok. When I offered help to Eclipson, he said he is ok. I was concerned that all them has territory regarding house responsibilities that I don't know how to fit in. Third, I haven't told them what my plans are and I have been staying too long. I am guilty to both. I haven't told Tita Lyn of my plans yet because I don't know how to work everything out. There I times that I wanted to knock on her door and ask for advice but she has problems to deal with herself. At that moment, I was seeking for a mother but I don't know if I can get that from her because I am longing for my own mother. I have been staying in the house for 46 days or 2 and 1/2 weeks for free. I offered money but Tita Lyn did not accept the two times that I offered because I didn't have a job yet in those times. I have been looking for rooms for rent where I can move in. I would like to admit that I think I don't have enough money to get the place if the room requires a 2 months advance and deposit. That will maybe cost $1100 which will drain my savings. But thanks to my job even though pays little, I might to have some money to move out. I will move out in 3 weeks. I will just need to get my paycheck and find a place where I can.

I feel alone and homeless here in the United States. I don't have a home I can call my own. I don't have a 'family' that I can call my own. I have been terrified by getting too close. I have been terrified by the idea of getting kicked out of a house. I am just sad.

When I met Ben, he said I was tough-hearted for being alone in the US. If he only knew, how I am starting to double think if I made the wrong decision to quit my previous job. I don't know what to do next. Maybe I am wrong for acting like I know what to do when I actually do not. It is just hard to ask for answers when you I am terrified and worried everyday that I might get kicked out where I am living in.

I have been crying the last two days and two nights. The tears as more painful than those I have shed of last year. I am longing for an embrace of security and a pat of hope. Hopefully, I will get that one of the days.


For now, I have to leave the library because it is closing. Then, I have to go to Tita Lyn and face her to talk about everything. I hope that things will work out. I hope. I hope.